heaven
can
wait
forever
breakfast
can't wait
alarms ring
inside thin
apartment
walls
though her
sister couldn't
hear the slapping
phone calls
duty calls
'you're not my type,
but we must
fuck now'
her dark curls
harbor fallen
flakes of
skin
it tangles thick
like mine
i pull hard
i squeeze and bite
but i never
get her there
now she's
the one
noticing
my age
gray temples
ragged rainbow beard
condoms cinch
my strength
again
i wish
Em had
let me in
at full mast
instead
of borrowing
phrases
like
'full mast'
to
describe
other
lovers
the week of halloween
Twenty Fourteen
Knights of Cocaine
bleed into early
days with strangers
their exotic hides
educated accents
mysterious yellow
powders
in pouches
and narcotic
nightmares smear
into colorful
confirmations:
i succeeded in making
a beast of me;
speed and ecstasy and
this ghastly
revelation smolder
until familial
support appears
an apparition
driving me north
under blankets
under hard narcotics
the needles drop
the wax crackles
and shoulders
squeeze, release;
and also the thighs,
i realize on waking with
a text from you
its truly through
and the doctor
slides it in
expertly
my veins don't
yet recoil
its early
its warm
under the soil
tonight was one
of those
without a woman
after so many
consecutive
women
we shot half
an oxy
per head
and drank
sierras
as the crowd
poured over
into our bar
the fellas made
bird calls
and supposed how
much cash
the bar made
minor celebrities burned
in the fantastic light
of harsh memory
i've never chewed
a bite
of food
25 times
in my life
was it the night
we mainlined coke,
or the night
i went to hear
emily read
and then drank
well tequila?
different potions
different meals but
the same
spray of
poorly-chewed
mushrooms and strange
stomach stuff
ended up in
front of me
swimming in
different toilets
thats me
she was long
lean
shorn and drunk
and she
fell asleep
at a reading
before that she
scared away a
perfectly
polite woman
sat next
to her
giggling
stupidly
at all the
wrong moments
"I feel like i
laugh
at all the
wrong times.
am i laughing
too much?"
"no, girl,
yr fine. its
dark, its funny."
she took off her
pants and wrapped
my blanket
around her
over reflective
green briefs
so tight
you could see
the beads of jewelry
in her mound
pressing
the fabric
she kept
adjusting
that improvised
toga and
waving that
neon cunt
at the air
above my knee
and we ground
the air
between
us,
a joke that
didn't get old
i laugh at all the
wrong moments
at intermission
this other
hot mess
from the hood
was practically
on the nod
and, boy,
did they hit it off
"do you want to be
my friend? let's
be friends!"
i winced
after
intermission
the lights went
down as she
cuddled up
stroked my
shoulders
grazed my fingers
and passed
the fuck
out against
my chest
i laugh at all
the wrong
moments
i never knew where you
were coming
from
i am not as
suspicious as
i might seem
when feeling
overwhelms
reason
i just eat and drink
of you
each
instead of
questioning
your intent
shadows of leaves
stretch tall
like me
reaching
for yoga poses
sonic youth screaming
against
cricket chirps
and they are
better off alone
my breath a raspy
honking whistle
while the others burn
together
another
night
another grab bag
emotions
embraces
silly as fuck
and a new dawn
breaks
sillier than fuck
we're each and
every
unconcerned
by output
we're just
put out
by plastic
severed fingers
humors raised
erections glistening
under soft pants
like assholes
gleaming
abandoned
sterile
tactless
misinformed
unconcerned
groping
i speak in cliches
and you
maintain cool
i'm at peace
with my unrest
and the rest
complain
endlessly
about their
proud failures
never
their
fault
fuckyoupayme
says this guy's
t shirt
and i just
watched
goodfellas last
night
donnie brasco
before that
$500 american
for a family
broken by
the war on
racketeering
you work
(and wait)
(on a farm)
(in new jersey)
you grasp in
the dark
for faces
and bodies
or anything
besides
the sensation
of dropping
through
thin
air
you had a good
dream burning
til he revealed
childish, complacent
comfort
(a fault)
and i
love all
of you
(and each of you)
i'm sitting alone
scotch
coke
smoldering
staring quietly
not upset
just not here
to chat
i'm sitting like that
when the
fuzzy little reject
stands right
in my sightline
gestures
"may i?"
i wave at the space in
front of me
but with my eyebrows
i shrug
too subtle
there are no fewer
than ten available
seats
he sits
i try politely
to avert my eyes
i find this sort
of uninvited
socializing
aggressive
he's a nice guy
but i feel it coming
something so dull
he sighs
stretches his neck
sighs
stretches more
finally
"getting ready to get up
early tomorrow..."
"thats ok, though.
i get to come down
here, have a
good time."
"well, not early..."
"10:30, 11:00..."
"not real
early...
but when you
usually get up
around 11:30, 12:00..."
christ
i haven't said
anything
why does he
keep going?
i'm sitting
like that
when cute young
things
tell me about
their dating
troubles
"i only attract
dumb gross frat
guys or older guys
who make
me feel
like i have
daddy
issues."
"he just
assumed
i would pay his rent."
"i'm having the
talk tonight."
i'm sitting like that
when beautiful
strippers come
stuttering with
social anxiety
and take selfies
with my phone
i'm sitting like that
when some
single mom
dumps hippie jargon
all over a guy
whose friend
just overdosed
i sit
while civilians
take shrapnel
and
cackling hyenas
bark orders
sit like that
while new
plagues spread
while new crazes
hit the dance
floor
while carpets are
ripped up
tiled over
demolished
then paved
pounded
crumbled
returned to sand
