there was work

please let me know you

got home

safe

pebbles in good shoes

grate her

feet

tendrils of fibers

choke at

me

act out your manhood

stammer

stunned

relative quickness

premature

ejaculate trapped

safe and

clean

groveling sickening

i plead like 

a child

one for the road

my dear destination

home

is

farther now

there was nothing 

there was something

there was nothingness

there was somethingness

there were

personality types

psychoactives

distilled spirits

needles

blood and urine

medications

astrological signs

there were

opportunities

bleeding in the road

while she burned

away

hours

there were 

sanctified 

moments

she felt like shit 

there was

work

then there

was work

traffic rages today

car accidents

left and

right

my friends are all breaking

up, camping,

taking psychedelics,

recovering from

wrecks, arguments,

hangovers, 

infections

hot summer

brutality

everyone seeking

housing,

escape,

liberty

everyone fucking out

old memories,

old wounds wet

with catharsis and

dry like misunderstanding

everyone pissing

and moaning

everyone phoning 

it in

while the sirens scream

in the streets

rodent life

guinea pigs of a new
abandon
radiated hamsters
fattened
on our wheels

diversify your visions
your futures
for they are
never shared

no one goes out together
no one stays in together
no one breathes forever

no one sheds leaves together
anymore
we weather each season
individuals

we affirm our grasp
on our worlds
setting rules for others

cooperation
was never the name of
the
game

before games
before competition
before murder
before despair
before self-reliance
before self-doubt:
fear was a useful
sensory organ

the mechanism itself
is
burned out

anxiety, baseless,
is the
only
remnant

we use it
to bend
others
to our will
and
those poor souls
capable
of capitulation,
cooperation,
empathy
are
antiquated

south paws
growing
extinct

as in: what comes before effect

i've exposed
much naivety,
ignorance
really

though welcomed by
prim
tongues burnt
and singing high
praise,
the doubt
looms big

do they think
that i'm wearing
a wig?

does she know
i'm still worth
the time
now that everything
wrong
at last
tumbles
upright?

expectations
casual,
Not Causal
(as in the
inevitable
repercussions
of love or lust
baited, retreating)
and it all seems
so simple when
you're not
still
wallowing
alone
in a tainted space,
their painted faces
question
my familiarity,
or maybe just i do,
though i love
my gatekeeper
so.

chronological order

as the timeline falls

into place

locks tight

there is light

fight from the guts

stand back up

neuter pity

never suffer

fools

not even the one

in the mirror

halo floats higher

higher all the time

and you get to ride

after work

there is an ashtray half-full

with four of my butts

and two or three others

with a sticky roach 

i found the other morning

a half-sucked mint

plus countless wiry hairs

from my beard

all floating in 

a sea of white noise 

from a tv set

the ash swims 

like fresh snow

when the wind

hits just so

she never really felt it

as deep as our fucking went

all i needed was her body

and laughter and eyes 

they all eventually 

went grim

that other one reaches

too far, too fast, hasty with

naive opinions

and her sunny thighs must taste like

youth and fashion 

but i won't make an absurd effort

to bed her before she leaves town

so soon

this other woman i only

know as a professional 

persona, crafted slices of 

herself into smart art

she tells her jokes onstage and

owns me when she tickles 

the brain, but how to turn

fanship into friendship or fuckship?

this one had it for me

until another man finally

got the hint and started

to treat her like a right investment

now we're like contestants;

game-show people

among so much 

pretense of subculture

the absurdity of pairing

obvious enough to me anyway

so i can hardly keep a

straight face today

i'm going to

fucking fill

this ashtray

regulation and rampage

good night wishes

crisp bright color

let me be lightning

unburdened

cut loose

i want to be lightning

uprooted from

never th same

place twice

erupt in your

imagination

making you start

as you slip into

sleep

your head twitches

against my chest

cloud lips sob

sticky mist

into a soft pond

while i shoot

up through you

in bits of fantasy

i guess

lightning doesn't

know

but it never bothers

to guess

i want to

shoot through

th world without

questions or

answers

disrupt and confirm

regulate and

rampage all

th magnetic theories

th damned polar traditions

i want always

to touch you via

underground

cables and i

never want

to guess

a good night

seeing your connection

and your rituals

there's a longing i

can't call jealousy

because it was too

beautiful to witness

even through the shallow

lens of

my flawed

facial recognition

so many

shades of my

happiest times

in the arms of

someone,

anyone,

i have loved

yr both

playful and self-assured

smiling so wide

so genuine is

yr bliss

each slap and bite and kiss

each stroke

its own moment

to be recorded and

recanted

in the crystal

cave

but i can't say it

wasn't hot and

safe and welcoming,

vulnerabilities set

aside for the sake

of bonding

or adventure,

all i know

is wanting

to achieve

our own perfection,

might only time

and direction

distinguish

confusion from

compersion?

suspension/release

we walked down

wooden stairs

i swung my head

under a low

clearance

then she was

unpacking ropes and

a little soft rug and

toys and purple rings

and ribbons and

handing me impressive

sharp shears

in case of

emergency

she was nude

a few seconds

until she wasn't;

brown taut fibers

snaked around her

hips and ass and

those thirsty thighs,

thick like in a

music video,

so much flank

to shake

it shivers

heavily

around the bone

for a moment i

just want to stand

her up and play

with all that leg,

take her from

behind and dance

against so much ass,

dance with so much woman

knots over other knots

form brown braids

secured to purple

carabiners hung by

purple ribbons tied

to thick white

synthetic knots about

a support beam

then she is

nearly in flight, first

improvising a headrest

and another line

under her seat

for support so

lewd new pockets

of her swell

between the ropes

i can't keep my

fingers from prowling

down, finding so

much wetness, when

it occurs to me

that i must train

myself, learn to

build anticipation,

tease skin,

inflict pain, inspire pleasure in

calculated stair-steps

this time though

she hung there and

i was rubbing her

deep and frantic

she was reaching

out with hand

and mouth for me so

i walked around to

feed her but couldn't

take much more

than a few good

swallows before

suiting up in rubber

lifting her legs

onto my shoulders

sinking in and

driving

all that soft

white thigh mine

to guide and spread and hug

and slap against or

just plain slap

pink orange nipples

grinding against the rope and

i don't have enough

tools or hands or cocks

to give her everything

i wish to

hung up there

in front of me

gift wrapped

gushing mildly

crying out guttural

awesome sounds and

our shared refrain

fuck, fuck, fuu-uuuck

even through my sheath

i can tell its

working

moisture at the base

of me, she's starting to

soak my balls

and i'm using

my standing leverage

holding the ropes

slamming roughly now

primal fucking

i'm glad for the

dimmer switch sensation

of the condom because

i can use my whole

weight as her

instrument

of pleasure and

focus on her sounds,

her eyes going soft,

and for a distracted

sliver of time i am

reverent

thinking one day

she might feel me truly

sailing at full mast inside

but this time we let the

hunger and urgency

own us

she hangs there and

i tear into it

mad for her cunt

deranged and strangely

empowered beyond my

imagination

as she eases down

after and we catch

our breath she tells me

this was a first

for her too

then i know she's

in it

i am loved and trusted

and talk is cheap

in the face

of real experiences

real exercises

pure action

we gather up the evidence

sleep a while on her bed

before i yield and

make a timely exit

trusting this

won't be the last

first time

for us